The various ways in which parents or carers deal with their children
can lead to a ‘secure’ or an ‘insecure attachment’.
Secure attachment is understood to mean a good contact, where the
parent has constantly given the child the feeling that the parent
is there when the child needs it. According to experts that means
that the parent has shown enough sensitivity and responsivity (reaction).
Children who have had to deal with a parent who did not fulfill the
need for contact or protection, or who did so only in varying degrees
(depending on the mood or the problem of the parents), developed an
insecure attachment relation with their carers. The way this is expressed
can vary from child to child: from flat affective behaviour to extremely
cheeky behaviour. A flat or limited attachment of hurt children is
an unconscious way of protecting themselves against new disappointments.
You could say that it is a healthy reaction to an unhealthy relationship.
To make the attachment between foster parent and foster child a success,
a number of different factors play a part.
Each new-born child already has one skill: making contact with its
environment. The way in which the carer responds to the child has
a great influence on the development of the child. For example, during
the first years the child forms a basic idea of how people will respond
when he is in need and the feelings of trust and distrust are being
formed. This subsequently influences the building up and maintaining
of relationships in later stages of life. After all, people who do
not learn that others are there for him or her when he or she needs
them will tend to be reserved in their contact with others.
The degree in which the child experiences anxiety is partly hereditary.
A child in the foster care situation has also already experienced
fears of separation from its parents and maybe other people. As a
child experiences more changes (for example by multiplacement experiences)
and therefore (separation) stress, it is logical that the child will
adjust more quickly to the new situation. This can lead to (very)
flat reactions, little enthusiasm and hardly showing affective reactions.
The opposite can also be observed: aggressive and cheeky behaviour.
The abovementioned behaviours are often difficult to deal with for
foster parents. They experience a lack of grip on the child or the
youngster. The child often responds by (even) more extreme behaviour.
This does not make it any easier for either the foster parent or the
foster child to build up a relationship.
When the relationship between the parents and foster parents is not
positive and this is expressed to the child, this can lead to a division
of feelings and linked behaviour. The child will show affectionate
behaviour to all the adults involved and will tell them that it wants
to stay with them. This often leads to feelings of confusion and unrest
with the parents and the foster parents. And the child? The child
is merely looking for attention, love and clarity.
