A lot can happen in five years. This is illustrated by the story
of a married couple who had no children five years ago and are now
sharing their lives with three foster children. Based on their true
story many subjects which were (and sometimes remain) topical in their
family during these past five years will be discussed. We will let
you have a glance at the life of Jan and Mary de Jong from the moment
that foster care found a place in their lives. We will let hem tell
their story. The additional background information consists of adaptions
of articles from previous issues of Mobiel magazine.
After hesitating for some time, the de Jong family decided to obtain
information about the possibility of taking foster children into their
home. Through an information brochure they acquired the telephone
number of the regional foster care organisation. One telephone call
resulted in some written information being sent and an invitation
to attend an information evening. At that meeting a general idea was
given of the kind of children who were looking for a place to live
for a short or longer period of time. For people who want to proceed
with foster care there is a ten evening course, the so-called STAP-course
(or PRIDE-course), which at the same time serves as a means of selection
to find out whether foster care suits you.
After some consideration Jan and Mary registered for the STAP-course,
because: "You don’t have to decide whether you really want
to become foster parents at the beginning of the course. The whole
summer passed and the idea had moved a bit to the background. In the
past we had already talked a lot about children. We were at the point
that we had resigned ourselves to the fact that we could not have
children of our own. It is important that you accept your childlessness
before you start with providing foster care. A foster child never
becomes your own child. Besides, you have to leave space for the foster
child’s own parents. Adoption was not an option for us, simply
because we do not comply with the requirements set for adoptive parents.
Because of the work and studies of Mary (child development) we knew
exactly how professional care for and the treatment of children is
arranged in the Netherlands. With that knowledge we decided to offer
children support, help and a future in our family. We thought we could
meet the needs of a foster child and felt we had much to offer. At
the very least we would be able to create a warm and safe environment
allowing for growth."
Sharing with the group
At the beginning of September the invitation for the STAP-course
dropped on the mat. Mary was immediately enthusiastic, Jan a bit more
reserved. "That was also the division on the evenings of the
meetings. Jan found it difficult to talk in a group about what you
had to offer children; what children would want from you and the problems
you could encounter. Each night a different subject would be at the
forefront, including your own past. What did you like in your upbringing,
what did you miss and what would you do differently? Coming home after
such an evening, we would have gained too many impressions to be able
to go to sleep immediately. We would have a drink and talk. Regularly
it would suddenly be half past one before we’d go to bed."
After a lot of talking, also with the counsellors from the course,
it was decided that we would offer foster children a place to grow
up. All other, shorter forms of foster care were not in the picture
for Jan and Mary at that moment. "The course was concluded with
an information evening for relatives. Mary’s parents and Jan’s
sister-in-law and sister attended that evening. In this way the discussion
could be continued further in the family. After all, the relatives
would be getting a special kind of addition to the family which they
did not ask for."
The proposal
Again a long time went by, Mary accepted a temporary job, which was
appreciated on both sides. It was becoming difficult to say ‘no’
to a firm contract which the employer offered her. Finally, just before
the summer holidays someone from the Foster Care Agency came to talk
about a proposal. "There was a nine year old boy looking for
a place to grow up. Without mentioning his name a picture was drawn
why this ‘troublesome’ boy might fit in with our family.
He was very active, would not sit still for two minutes and was also
reasonably smart. His mother could not handle him and was also not
very healthy. At this moment he was living in a residential home.
The mother had decided herself, with some help, that it would be better
to find a family with which her son could grow up. It was therefore
a voluntary placement. It was not necessary for a juvenile court to
interfere. We were told immediately that that could lead to problems,
but we thought ‘we’ll see about that later’.”
Permanent motion
After a few days of thinking and talking, Mary and Jan called to
say that they wanted to proceed. The foster care worker visited them
again and told them that it concerned Sander. Because of a mistake
Sander had already found out that a foster home had been found for
him, while his mother did not know it yet. People started hurrying.
"We met Sander’s mother even before the summer holidays
and then we met Sander. Good heavens, what a boy! He was hanging upside
down and backwards on the sofa and was permanently in motion. Both
Sander and we found it extremely tense; with the help of his group
leader we managed to have some coffee, look at pictures of our house
and see his bedroom. After this visit we concluded that we should
do something together and not sit quietly with him on the sofa. We
planned a period of three months to get acquainted with each other;
we would do a lot of things together and in the meantime also talk
together. First we came to visit, after that we took him into town.
Then Sander and his group leader came to visit us, after which he
came to stay the night. By the end of November Sander had moved in
and come to live with us."
In Sander’s room at Mary and Jan’s are a bed, a wardrobe
and cupboards for his toys. There is a nice rug on the floor and the
curtains are his favourite colour: blue. Sander brings a car full
of his things. "Together we put his clothes in the wardrobe and
he immediately put his cuddly toy in his bed. At our counsellor’s
advice we bought him an alarm and a mirror so that he could keep control
over the time and his own body. The boxes he brought with him remained
untouched in his room for weeks, while Sander was very busy keeping
an eye on everything that was going on in the house. Fortunately,
his start at the new school had also been well prepared. He had already
gotten to know the school and we talked extensively about how he was
bullied at the previous school and how we were going to prevent that
happening again at this school. Every day he came home from school
enthusiastically because again he had not been bullied."
Structure
From the first day on a lot of things at home went wrong and were
unexpected and difficult. For a start Jan and Mary had to get used
to having a child in the house. All of a sudden it was not possible
any more to sleep late, read a book or have a conversation with each
other. In addition, Sander, who has an enormous amount of energy which
bubbles out throughout the day, needed a lot of structure and clarity.
Having meals therefore took place at set times, as did taking a shower,
going to bed and getting up. Gradually a lot more habits had to become
fixed in the house, because the more predictable life was for Sander,
the better things got for him. It took some time for Jan and Mary
to get used to that. Even on a Sunday it had to be tight, otherwise
Sander would become insecure. He started testing how far he could
go, which would result in a row.
Step by step Sander and Mary found out what was the best way that
they could live in the house together. Mary drew up a priority list
of behaviour that was the most disruptive in the house; "We started
tackling one subject at the time. Together with Sander I also looked
at the things he found most important and supported him in those.
Very carefully he started practising playing with friends. He brought
them home, taught himself also to behave normally when he had a friend
over at home and learned how to play together. He became better at
using the computer and started to find his way with games. Together
we also discovered that, when you are so active, there have to be
enough activities in which to use up your energy. Swimming, walking
and bicycling became part of Sander’s programme, with the result
that the more quiet activities went better as well."
Looking for balance
Gradually Jan, Mary and Sander found a kind of balance in their family.
A babysitter was arranged for on a regular basis so that Jan and Mary
could go out for dinner together. It remained necessary to keep talking
together, talking about the question of whether they could stick it
out together and whether they still stood behind their choice to give
this little boy a place until he grew up. "Our life had really
changed a lot. Everybody had already predicted this, but actually
experiencing it was still different. Sometimes we really had to fight
to survive in our own house. When you have a baby it also turns your
whole life upside down. But the impact on daily life in some aspects
is different when the child that arrives is already nine years old
and cheeky."
Looking for the past
Someone of nine years old naturally brings his own history with him.
"When he arrives at your house, there is a nine year gap. You
get confronted with that every day. Talking about the residential
home then is relatively easy. That is in the recent past, it is easy
to check. We went back once to see what it was like again. The foster
care worker gave us a ‘life book’. The idea was that you
would go on a discovery trip by means of the book. Together with Sander
we tried to map the past nine years. It was already quite a lot of
work to map the places of residence of the last three years, with
the right dates. Sometimes we went to visit an old address, but there
was also a place where Sander really did not want to go to anymore.
What happened in the first years of his life and when, was more difficult
to find out. Sander did not want to ask his mother or his mother did
not want talk about it. There were therefore parts that we just dropped.
After all, he still had a mother and maybe he could have the conversation
that he wanted to have with her later. Both the life book and the
scrap books were and are very important to Sander. We find him regularly
in the morning with one of the books in bed and then we have to look
at the pictures together, reminisce, or something new has to be written
in the life book. Slowly a joint past is starting to arise, partly
lived through together and for the rest, told together."
Two worlds
Talking about his mother and family is really difficult for Sander.
Despite the fact that Sander goes to see his mother once a month,
it takes a long time before these weekends start to go well. "When
we had just found a way of going to bed without a fight, it would
explode again at home. Short clear lines were also necessary between
Sander’s mother and ourselves. He played us off against each
other given a chance and kept both worlds as far apart as possible.
As was predicted Sander’s wish to contact his father soon emerged.
The mother agreed as long as she did not have to do it. Contact with
the father began to take place and Sander was satisfied with this.
It did not need to be very often, but now and again fitted both their
needs. As things started to get better with Sander in our house, more
members of his family wanted to get in touch with him. And also our
own family wanted to see us again. Immediately after the placement
everybody understands that you are busy with the necessary daily business.
The first visits from both Sander’s family and ours were mainly
of a nosy and judging character. What kind of people are they, do
they have Sander’s interest at heart and why do we have to make
a visiting arrangement?"
Learning to live together
With the arrival of Sander, Jan and Mary agreed with the foster care
worker that they would consider having another child placed with them
after about a year. For Sander’s counsellors it was clear that
he needed a little brother or sister to learn how to share, live together
and have arguments with. This was discussed before the summer with
Jan and Mary. The summer passed and it became more and more necessary
for Sander to learn to share the attention, especially of Mary, with
others. For Mary it also became necessary that she could legitimately
ignore Sander. Especially because he, despite all his progress, could
still be rather troublesome in his behaviour. "He drove me insane
now and again. Why could he never act normally? Living with Sander
was quite hard. Then we unexpectedly received a call from our foster
care worker. Had we ever considered taking two new children instead
of one? Jan was in Austria with friends at that moment and was not
available for consultation. We nevertheless made an appointment for
when he was back. It concerned Surinam-Hindu twins aged six: John
and Sharon. While talking the plan started to look better. Together
they would be better able to stand up to Sander’s whims. They
could sleep together in the attic and in that way each have their
own space. Moreover, they were a year younger than we considered in
the original profile, so there would be less competition. It would
also give Sander the opportunity to catch up with a part of his own
development by practising his young-child skills with them. It was
discussed with Sander that the children who would come to live with
the family would have dark skin and how he felt about that. He was
very scared of dark-skinned boys, because he had been bullied very
badly by them at his previous school. After thinking about it for
a long time he thought he would get used to it."
The consequences for the family’s daily life are also taken
into consideration. Because of the five-guilder-rule they can immediately
start looking for a cleaning lady, so that the things which have to
be done in the house, will at least get done. With three or more foster
children, foster homes receive an extra allowance of five guilders
a day, precisely for these kinds of things.
New housemates
The decision was made: the twins would come. There was a period of
getting to know each other and getting used to each other. First without
Sander and later with him. The big moving day was in the spring holiday.
Mary and Sander had thought about what would be most difficult when
Sharon and John would come: mealtimes. "We had in the meantime
built up a system where the meals required no more than sitting at
the table for fifteen minutes. That would be far too short for the
younger children. An earning system was the solution. A cross list
came into existence and if Sander could manage to avoid being sent
away from the table for 30 days, three meals a day, he would earn
a CD. It was a struggle, but we managed to work it out. The rest of
life was also very exciting. In some aspects you could see Sander
grow. He was ten and the twins were just pre-schoolers. The twins
also needed a lot of care in the beginning. Especially accidents in
and around the toilet were very new to me as a foster mother. I mainly
felt bad for them. They would not go in time, did not feel it coming,
did not dare to remain seated; in short, they had no control. Sander
also felt bad for them. He himself was still wet sometimes during
the night when things became too exciting. But this was really bad."
For the family it was very pleasant that the twins could move through
the house in a normal way. They soon started to sing, played quietly
and went and had a chat with the neighbours. They had a friendly word
for everybody. John told everyone that he did not like fights. For
Jan and Mary it was a relief that Sharon and John reacted in a normal
way when lines were drawn. Sharon especially liked to draw and make
things, which was very new in the house. For Sharon this was a way
of coping. She would draw children from the residential institution,
previous foster homes, and their sister and mother. John did it differently.
He was looking for physical contact. He surrendered to both Jan and
Mary in a way they had not experienced with Sander. To Sharon and
John it was clear that they would stay here until they had grown up:
They literally said: "Finally we don’t have to move anymore,
because you know, we have already done that nine times". This
period was very difficult for Sander. He had been living with Jan
and Mary for almost two years now, but deep down he just wanted to
live with his mother. The twins were openly settling themselves and
cherished the warmth and attention. For Sander this ran parallel to
the ever present feelings of discontentment. He never had enough,
was never satisfied and now these intruders also stole the attention
which up to then he had had to himself.
It took getting used to
Around the autumn break Sander’s misconduct escalated and Jan
and Mary wondered whether their decision to take on two more children
had been the right one. At that same time, the foster care worker
fell ill and the holidays started. "Oh, help! On impulse we rented
a little cottage on the island of Ameland where the five of us went
for a week. Long days of walking on the beach. Despite wind, storm
and rain we still tried to go for bicycle rides, and to explore the
world and each other. Once back in the cottage we would all be cold,
wet and tired. We got into the habit of taking hot showers and then
for all of us to do something for ourselves. After that we could do
something together again. With hot cocoa for the children, port for
us and big bags of crisps for all of us we could close off the day
properly. It seemed like a kind of pressure cooker, we had to work
things out together and we did."
Medication
"Back home the foster care worker had in the meantime consulted
a psychiatrist. Sander was given medication to help him control his
active behaviour better. We were all agreed, Sander included, that
he usually did not misbehave on purpose, but that he had a handicap
which he would have to learn to control. The medication had a positive
effect on his moods. The hyperactivity became a bit less. He got better
grip on his life and things improved. Sander started to make friends.
The teacher at school was strict with him, but sometimes also made
favourable exceptions. He was allowed to do the milk round at school.
Swimming was also improving. Every six months he gained a subsequent
certificate and with each his self confidence increased a bit."
People in a similar situation
At that time Mary came into contact with a number of other foster
parents. Once every two months they would meet for an evening and
exchange experiences. "It was very enlightening to be able to
pour out your heart without anyone saying: ‘I did warn you’.
People would think along with you about solutions; clothes that had
become too small would change owners; schools were compared and new
friendships grew. At a certain moment there was also a desire to meet
each others partners and (foster) children, so a yearly picnic was
organized. Sander especially was very surprised that he could not
tell the difference between foster children and biological child-ren.
For Sharon it provided the physical identification with another dark-skinned
and beautiful foster daughter (‘That one is pretty, isn’t
she, Mary!’)."
Again
When the summer holidays approached it became evident that the twins
were still having a difficult time at school. They had a back log
with their class of about three months, but the teacher thought that
they learned faster than average. Nevertheless, at home there were
signs that they could barely handle life: they were tired, listless
and John in particular preferred playing to studying. After much deliberation
it was decided that they would resit the third grade. "The contact
between the twins and ourselves developed quickly. At first it was
mainly John looking for physical contact, gradually Sharon came too.
Especially at night she needed her foster mother regularly, because
she had such scary dreams. After the second summer holidays Sharon
ended up in hospital for two nights, with what later proved to be
an intestinal parasite. This speeded up the attachment process between
Mary and Sharon. She very badly needed to be taken care of, hugged
and comforted. Her brother proved to have the parasite as well. That
problem was solved with two pills. With that, two years of tummy aches,
diarrhoea and eating problems suddenly came to an end. That same year
John regularly had such pains in his legs that it was decided to have
him checked in the hospital. When you are aware of the hereditary
diseases, a GP can judge whether a problem could be cancer for example.
In this case he had to examine him. Because of these events all three
children were very busy with their own background. In addition, it
became necessary to find out when the father of the twins had died
and where he was buried. That took some effort, because the information
given by the mother proved to be incorrect every time. The family
guardian finally traced the date of death and the cemetery through
the city council. Finally we found ourselves standing there on a windy,
rainy Sunday morning, in front of a bare grave. Fortunately, we had
taken some small flowers to plant at the site. Sharon had put on ‘crying
clothes’. Because it was very sad that now they stil did not
know anything about their father."
"The desire to know more about their father was not yet satisfied.
Suddenly it appeared that the father’s mother was still alive,
as were ten brothers and sisters. The guardian and foster care worker
went out together this time. They were able to find granny and granny
loved to come and visit. What a development! Granny is old and could
not answer a lot of questions of the children, but the twins were
still very happy with her visit. A lot could be added to the life
book. In addition they got a golden chain and 50 guilders from her.
They never had so much money ever. It had to be put in the bank, for
when they were going to buy a house later."
Panic
Sander’s life also went on. After the summer holidays he took
the step to upper general secondary education. He did his eleven plus
well. The extensive psychological research carried out by the foster
care, after he had lived with Jan and Mary for two years, indicated
that upper general secondary education should not be a problem for
him. The new school fortunately had two introductory afternoons before
the summer holidays. This took away some of the apprehension. Nevertheless,
the step to secondary school was a big one. Classes based on a timetable,
classes that were cancelled, never knowing when you’d be home
or not. Not to mention homework. The first interim report showed that
Sander’s way of studing had to be adjusted a bit. With more coaching,
structure and testing, Mary tried to support Sander. The marks on
his next report improved. The reins were slackened a little. But that
proved too much to ask from Sander. The next report showed a downward
line. In the meantime Mary kept testing him every night and, as was
to be predicted, there were more fights. Sander was confronted by
Mary on all fronts with his own effort, actions and choices he made.
"In addition, Sander’s mother met a new partner who was
involved more and more in the contacts with and about Sander. The
mother and her partner were thinking about getting married and of
taking Sander back home in due course. This was of course discussed
with Sander openly or at least hinted at. In short: he had no intention
anymore of working out his conflicts with us. ‘Because he was
going to live with his mother’. The conflicts became heavier
and heavier and at one point it was finished and over. We could not
take it anymore and Sander did not want it anymore."
Despair and air
"In an earlier stage we had already said to each other that
we would like to raise Sander until he would be able to look after
himself, but not at any price. Jan raised the alarm and observed that
Sander came to stand between Mary and him and that it could not go
on. After many tears Jan called our foster care counsellor and told
him that it could not go on like this anymore. Panic all around. We
were more or less stunned by the despair we felt at having to give
up. The next evening we talked extensively about how things had turned
out and whether we were sure that we did not want to continue with
this difficult but also sweet boy. It was decided to stop and we discussed
how to inform everyone about this and when Sander would go back to
his mother. Easter was coming up and we could not consult Sander’s
mother until after Easter, but we did not consider that a problem.
On the one hand it gave us some air and life at home was a bit better
during the days after the decision. But on the other hand it felt
unreal: it did not feel right. After two days we called the counsellor
again, late at night, and said that Sander could not go. It was not
possible, it did not feel right. What was to become of this little
boy if we could not even stick it out with him? It would definitely
go wrong at his mother’s, everybody was agreed on that. Besides,
we did love him too much already. Rather a strange discovery, because
we all assumed that the attachment with Sander had not gone very well."
So Sander did not have to go. However, Mary was going to restrict
herself to upbringing and they got support from a homework institute
for Sander’s studies. After this period of panic the air actually
cleared enormously. It was possible to look to the future again. The
summer holidays were planned very carefully. Sander would take a job,
spend two weeks camping with the whole family, go to a scouting camp
and spend a week at his mothers’. After the holidays he started
his second year full of confidence. He liked the structure of the
homework institute very much. "With the autumn break we started
to get worried again. The information from school was a lot more pessimistic
than that from the homework institute. It proved that quite a lot
of marks were missing at the homework institute, especially insufficient
ones. The atmosphere at home had, however, improved enormously. At
the end of November the school reported that Sander would be better
off going to lower general secondary education. The teachers agreed
that he lacked the intellect to do upper general secondary education.
In consultation with the homework institute it was decided to go to
a lower general secondary school for children with learning difficulties.
It was very hard for Sander to change schools. He missed his old classmates,
but the curriculum was just right. After only two weeks we noticed
that he had calmed down. Apart from the fact that he finished his
homework everyday in half an hour, he also came to have some tea in
the afternoon and in the evening he found peace to read a little."
Looking for the the future
"You never know how the different lives will develop in the
future, nor how foster care will develop, but there are little persons
who start life with very few chances. It makes you feel very good
when you can contribute to the development of people’s lives
with a little extra energy and care. You don’t know how they
will fare in the future, but you hope for everybody that they get
sufficient baggage and trust to build their own life, and to be able
to deal with relationships in a good way. The most important thing
for foster care in the future seems to us that they set up conditions,
both with regard to (developmental and educational) counselling and
to financial and material support, so that vulnerable children, who
still can and want to, can grow up in normal families."
